Written by dana. Given to darren.
Why so difficult?Well, depending on whom you ask, your questions will probably yield very different response from different individuals. Based on our upbringing, experiences and values, we form our own worldviews. And you, Darren, is on a constant process of trying to define your own. I believe one of the reason your journey is more tumultuous is because like, Frost's poem, you took the road less travelled. And your difference will invite resistance for 2 reasons.
One, because from others' perspective, your ways are erroneous (because if they chose the right way, your way must be wrong, right?) and they want to correct you out of good will. They experienced what is best for them and wanted you to avoid pitfalls by bringing you to their thoughts.
The other reason, on a more subconscious level, differences can be threatening, because it may imply that they might be wrong. It's like if you spent half your life studying and then I tell you that you dont need cert to find a good job, you may feel cheated.
We usually function on both levels. We genuinely want to help those we advised but at the same time, want to be affirmed that our belief is the right one.
View: Extreme v Neutral
Is viewing things in the extreme n different wrong? Right and wrong is attributed by people. What is right for one may be wrong for another. For example abortion. One may deem killing life wrong and the other may deem denying the mother a right to decide wrong. Of course we learn that we have to take many other things into consideration, that there is seldom a clear black and white. What if giving birth will endanger the life of the mother? What if the mother is going for abortion for the 5th time. Are all these important in deciding what is right and wrong? For someone whose primary value is preserving life, that life is sacred and given by God, i.e. Catholics, then no matter what circumstance, abortion is wrong. Well, from a lay person's view whose core value is self autonomy, that this person values individual's right above all other values, this person may feel that it is the mother's choice and decision. Who else has the right to tell the mother what to do and think? So right and wrong, fundamentally, boils down to what your values are.
Value
So, Darren, what are your values? If you value experience and learning, then making a mistake has its virtue because it gives you precious life lesson and helped you mature. For someone else, they may value leading a materially fulfilling existence and for them, they strive to work with the way the material world is and use that to help them reach their happiness. If you ask me, well, I believe that if the guitar's string is either too tight or too loose, it wont play a good melody. We need to strive a balance, a middle ground. And often, we are the ones who define where our middle ground lies. I think that those who blindly pursue material gain or who ignores its importance and necessity are both unlikely to be happy. In either case, they fell on the extreme. Like food, even poison can be helpful if taken in moderation and even the most nutritious food can be poisionous if taken in extreme. Those who see only material gain fails to appreciate the human aspect of life, of connection, of relationships. But likewise, those who live in the material world but renounce its necessity (but is not a monk!) will also likely to lead a frustrated, misunderstood life.
Yes, I do feel misunderstood often, especially in days of old, when I was younger that is :) But one thing i've learned is that if I insist people see my point of view and not try to change me, I am doing exactly what others are doing, which is imposing my views on others and deeming my own as superior. I learned to recognize that because people's values are different, they will act base on that value. Because I wasnt sure what my values were, I was shaken by nonacceptance but now that I am firmer in what I believe, i realized that people who are trying to change me are basically acting on their belief. If their value is to accept no other values, it is still their value. And my belief is to accept and respect differences, so I no longer try to insist that they see my point of view. Values are often very difficult to change and resistant to change. Because it forms the foundation of our belief and thus, how we act and respond and think and feel.
Open mind v Firm principle
That's why they say adolescent period is such a tumultuous times, because your guys are forming sef-identity and values. Which is why, it can be good that your values are still shaken, because you need to be open-minded. Which is why the mind-set of a 50 years old is so resistant to change because they have closed their mind. Again, this is a question of value. There are old people who values an open mind and willing to learn and to find out that they can be wrong and to fall down and pick themselves up. There are old people who value a solid value that is unshakeable but as a result, refuse to learn new things. Again, I think we need a middle ground, so that we can be fairly open-minded but not so open-minded that whatever people tell us will shake our beliefs.
Satisfaction: Tangible v Intangible
It is a hard journey, being different. Which is why people always always find like-minded people. Clans, clubs, associations, religious groups, political parties, etc are all an attempt to find like minded people and band together. So that their own belief wont dilute and instead, gets affirmed. For me, I've never felt more at home than when I was working at the temple or when I am working in a social setting. I always felt awkward with friends who work in the banks or corporate world because their concerns are not my concern. They value corporate skills and material acheivement and recognition. They may want to be known as smart and skillful and astue. Some may rather be known as wise and compassionate. They may be more concern about the situations of people, of acheiving self-awareness and self actualization. There is no right and wrong choice. For some, they define personal achievement as pay advancement, of clinching business deals, of being able to bring money home to the family. For others, it give them greater satisfaction to know that they have become more sensible and wiser, that they define success by being able to help other people. My stance is that I'd rather be cheated out of $5 than miss the chance of giving $5 to someone who really need it. Not that I dont want to be priase for astuteness or cleverness but it gives me greater satisfaction for my boss to tell me that I have helped a lot of people than to hear him say that I am smart and contributed to the company. That's my choice and I am content with it because of my value. I decided that people ultinately want to be happy although we define happiness differently.
Because I value choice, I'd encourage you to find your own path. You asked me what is it in you that continue to shout out; motivation, inner spirit? Again, depending on whom you ask, your answer will be different. A developmental psychologist may say that it is due to your experience. Determinist may say it's your personality. Or God's will. As you search for your answer, there'll usually be one that resonates with you, that makes sense to you.
As I was typing this email, an old friend called. She has attended a forum that helps you empower yourself and discover your potential. I've heard about the workshop from other friends who have attended. Apparently, they all felt transformed afterwards. They felt that their lives are better and they can take control. Essentially, they learned self-awareness and began to recognize a lot of things about themselves that they never spend the time to consider. They simply push them aside and just plough onwards. I think people who are introspective, who thinks deeply and meaningfully has an advantage because we're less likely to look back at our lives and feel regret, or feel that we live blindly and meaninglessly.
